West

It’s not often table centrepieces are made out of vegetables. But this is Kensington, and when you have the pretty streets, dogs, babies and trees that Kensington does you’re allowed to put whatever you want in the middle of a table. Hell, put a Kenny G Christmas album there and people will probably be ok with it.

We've visited ONE HUNDRED of Melbourne's cafes for breakfast, and these are our Top 6. The most delicious, the loveliest service, the best ambience - these are winners in every way.

Tongue. It’s a funny thing. Gene Simmons has an impressive one. Lots of speedy 20-somethings trying to prove how badass they are have piercings in theirs. I have a friend who has a dog whose tongue is too big for its mouth and it hangs out the side of it (you can grab it at any time. I do). What I don’t usually think of when I think of tongue is brunch. Duchess of Spotswood has other ideas.

One night just recently my boyfriend went out with his mates and promised he wasn’t going to have a ‘big one’ and that he’d be home before midnight. Then, when I didn’t hear a word from him after he stepped out the door at 8.30pm, he stumbled into the house at 4am smelling of beer and souvlaki. I was furious and I made him sleep on the couch. Then, like any real girlfriend, I made him get up at 7am and go out to judge a breakfast an hour from home. He was of course an absolute delight to be around, so it was always going to be a challenge not to kick him out of a moving vehicle and into the Yarra on the way through. The thought of doing that made me laugh, so I chose a place perfectly suited for the occasion - Happy River Cafe.

In a rare turn of events, the sun was out in Melbourne so I decided to head to Williamstown for my bacon and scramble. I’m a massive fan of Big Bang Theory, so in an attempt to look clever I chose Atomic. Geddit? Atomic. Science. Smart. Ha! Clever.